Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
You Might Also Like
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
english majors be like furthermore
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”