Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.

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We can put a man on the moon, but can we put a lobster in a postbox? Top scientists say: “stop calling here”


For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.


Why do they hand out Kleenex at funerals if you’re not supposed to jerk off in the back row


Remember: You don’t owe anybody anything. Unless they killed someone for you. Then they probably deserve a nice gift card.


*sees a truck*

*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.

*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.


Drugs are never the answer kids. Unless the question is “why have you been checking under the carpet for lizards for 3 days straight?”


[on a date]

me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.


“I’m a great listener.” – The US government on a first date.


them: *unintelligible*

me: sorry what?

them: *unintelligible*

me: sorry i have bad hearing, one more time?

them: *unintelligible but louder*

me: haha yeah


The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?