Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
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back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
fixed it
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.