Where was the NSAs wire taps when the McCallisters were leaving messages w all the neighbors that Kevin was abandoned & alone? Thanks Obama.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
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[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
I’m such a film buff I can always tell when a fake dinosaur is used in a movie.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting