Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.

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If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.


GENIE: you have three wishes

ME: make math go away

GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house

ME: oh so I still get three wishes?

GENIE: huh?


me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]


The reason the Japanese kill so many whales is because they remind them of Americans


When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.


Insane Clown Posse is really giving a bad name to all the rational clown posses out there.


Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.


deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”