@robyn_vo

Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.

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@robfee

Where was the NSAs wire taps when the McCallisters were leaving messages w all the neighbors that Kevin was abandoned & alone? Thanks Obama.

@Megatronic13

[1st person to try jogging]

Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?

Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.

Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!

@LifeUnPinterest

Dear Gym,

I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…

I’m just using you to get into my own pants.

@simoncholland

If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.

@ericsshadow

My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.

@dreamthievin

I’m such a film buff I can always tell when a fake dinosaur is used in a movie.

@goodtimenoel

You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.

@squirrel74wkgn

Me: What time are we leaving?

Wife: In 3 or 4 hours

Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car

@huntigula

GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..

@portmanteauface

Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting