*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
You Might Also Like
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
based al yankovic
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*