*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
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Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
saw this in a dream
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.