Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
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Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?