*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
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Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
The Birdles
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
File under excellent bookstore names.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.