@psybermonkey

*watches Charlotte’s Web*

Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror

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@AndrewNadeau0

Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.

@bobvulfov

[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding

@Michael_Erhart

There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*

@Lisa_Laughs_

I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.

@WilliamAder

Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.

@Kyle_Lippert

Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.

@JPHaddadio

Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.

@jonnysun

my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy

@BGH70

When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”

Less bleeding is good for not being dead.