I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
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Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
I have to give my cat a bath
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
The twins tried to have a staring contest last night. My daughter blinked immediately and said to her brother “I just can’t look at your face anymore” and it was a whole mood.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.