@psybermonkey

*watches Charlotte’s Web*

Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror

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@hurlarious

Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.

@Gooooats

Drive by shootings are just one more example of Americans being too lazy to get out of their cars.

@seamussaid

when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse

@MsLisaM

*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”

*never speaks to you again *

@MariyaAlexander

Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.

@TheTweetOfGod

“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.

@kimwilliamz

You are what your parents ate too..I’m part black licorice..part hot dog.

@samfromks

Wife: Why the hell did you buy a buffalo?

Me: I’d rather have a buffalo and not need it than need a buffalo and not have it.

@citizenkawala

Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.