*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
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As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.