*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
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You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
Breaking news:
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.