*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
You Might Also Like
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.