*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
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For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Milk teeth are wasted on children. A new set of teeth would be a lot more useful in your 30s
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Sorry I’m late, traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past 5 years, and I was not expecting that.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”