My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
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Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
“OK men, spread out.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
*extreme close up*
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
Thank you dry toothbrush for outing my kids whenever I ask them if they brushed their teeth. You’re the real MVP.
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Saddest phrase: Hollow chocolate bunny
Most homophobes are secretly gay. However, most arachnophobes are not secretly spiders.