@BareChesty

*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..

“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”

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@MommaUnfiltered

My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.

@sixfootcandy

Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.

@JimmerThatisAll

“OK men, spread out.”

“Oat?”

“What?”

“Spread oats?”

“Spread out.”

“One oat?”

“Dammit.”

Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.

@BoogTweets

[movie trailer]

IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES

*distant oinks and moo’s*

ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL

*dramatic music*

BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN

*slow piano music*

BEFORE HE HAD A FARM

*flying shot of rolling hills*

HE WAS…

*extreme close up*

YOUNG MACDONALD

[coming soon]

@OMGSoOverIt

When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.

@pauleggleston

‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’

@sweetmomissa

Thank you dry toothbrush for outing my kids whenever I ask them if they brushed their teeth. You’re the real MVP.

@ShortSleeveSuit

[English class]

Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon

Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*

@TheTweetOfGod

Most homophobes are secretly gay. However, most arachnophobes are not secretly spiders.