*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
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It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout