@SpacePlankton

*watches movie*

*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*

*pauses for three months*

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@Dawn_M_

I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*

@ThePocketJustin

It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.

@MelvinofYork

I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour

@TheBoydP

Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?

Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!

@BrandonVine

Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.

@ShanaRose21

The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.

@iRowlf

I’d like to return this pack of gum. They taste awful.
“Sir, those are Band-Aids.”
Oh, I’d like to return these Band-Aids. Someone ate some.

@Cpin42

SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper

ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?

@sarah1mc

When I get murdered the neighbors will be on the news like, “Wow, I can’t believe it took so long.”