*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
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Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
Proofread twice, hang posters once
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
When can I start eating bats again.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.