@ClickBaite

Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …

*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now

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@ApocalypseBnG

How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…

@IvoryGazelle

shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch

@Kalarlis

When the cashier asks for my signature, I just write “HELP ME” while maintaining eye contact

@crushingbort

“there’s only one thing to do when you’re Zero Dark Thirsty” *Navy Seals bust in and toss Bin Laden a Coke Zero, he pounds it in like 5 sec*

@Douchekevin

When the police officer asks how much have I had to drink tonight- ‘all of it’ wasn’t as funny to him as it was to me.

@Deurb1

Six inches of snow predicted tonight:
Is that twitter 6″ | |
Subway 6″ | |
Real life 6″ | |
Or Dan 6″ | | Cheesecake

@ThaJawn

Vampire: What is this?

Cashier: Pez *showing him how it works* See, the candy comes out of the-

Vampire: NECK! HA HA HA! I MUST HAVE ONE!

@mrfeelswildride

teenagers are like ‘here to live well not to live long :)’ yet shriek in terror when I appear before them in alleyways wielding a scythe

@Opiyow

Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.

@frankzulla

I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!