@ClickBaite

Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …

*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now

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@goodersuk74

Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face open I really dont need to hear about your gym workout

@DesperateAnnie

In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:

“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”

Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.

@RummyLauded

I can ignore you so hard you will begin to doubt your own existence.

@VictorscarletJ

I know we just got divorced, but would you mind showing my girlfriend how to make an omelet the way I like them?

@pauleggleston

-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.

@CrazyExhaustion

Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”

The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.

@BigBagOfScum

the restraining order doesn’t mean we can’t hang, it just means I can’t be within 50′. We could still play catch or frisbee or something…

@iwearaonesie

*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”

– me every time I watch Toy Story 3

@SortaBad

Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime

Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever