Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …

*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now

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How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…


shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch


When the cashier asks for my signature, I just write “HELP ME” while maintaining eye contact


“there’s only one thing to do when you’re Zero Dark Thirsty” *Navy Seals bust in and toss Bin Laden a Coke Zero, he pounds it in like 5 sec*


When the police officer asks how much have I had to drink tonight- ‘all of it’ wasn’t as funny to him as it was to me.


Six inches of snow predicted tonight:
Is that twitter 6″ | |
Subway 6″ | |
Real life 6″ | |
Or Dan 6″ | | Cheesecake


Vampire: What is this?

Cashier: Pez *showing him how it works* See, the candy comes out of the-



teenagers are like ‘here to live well not to live long :)’ yet shriek in terror when I appear before them in alleyways wielding a scythe


Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.


I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!