Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …

*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now

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the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now


if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab


I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”


[Friend opens Christmas present]
Me: It’s a lie detector
Friend: Oh… I love it
Me: (whispering) we’ll see


I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.


as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died


My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.


Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.


I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae