Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
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I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently