*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
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Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.