*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
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HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
Think I pulled my liver
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
i want to work in this restaurant