@ArfMeasures

*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet

*watches the news*
Oh

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@BoogTweets

Cop: do you know why I stopped…

Me: *holding up hand for a high five*

Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…

Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*

Cop: what are you, Umm

Me: *i hold eye contact* hi

Cop: *blushing* hi lol

@hurlarious

Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.

@thepunningman

[last meal on death row]

“Pepper?”

*nods*

“Say when”

*winks to camera*

@meganyyb

Hey couples on Facebook that share an account, so which one of you got caught having an affair?

@TheAlexNevil

*sees monster truck

*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork

@pixelatedboat

It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school

@Frankie_Val

100 ways to reach me: 1.) Text Me. 2.) Call Me. 2.) E-Mail. 3.) FB …. 98.) Homing Pigeon. 99.) Signal Flares. 100.) Voice Mail

@Steven37366100

Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*

Me: No good

Wife: Why not?

Me: Seems shady

Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*

@darinlovesbacon

If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way