Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
*watches precisely one documentary*
hello, everyone. i am here to talk about the Oklahoma City bombing which happened in 1995. please pull out your notepad and pen and i will begin my seminar shortly
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[teenage girl reading horoscope tweets]
“Scorpio’s drink water when they’re thirsty”
OMG THIS IS SO ME
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
Her: 911, what’s your emerge-
Me: SOMEONE’S WEARING CROCS!
Her: Sir, that’s not an em-
Me: WITH A FANNY PACK!
Her: I’ll send an officer.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
My therapist cries “Why me?” for the full hour.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Apple: Words with Friends
Twitter: Words w strangers
FB: Words w relatives
Ouija: Words w dead friends
Prayer: Words w imaginary friends
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.