Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
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When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
🤣✨#caturday
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?