@missekay

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*has to pee*

*watches soccer*

*gets up to pee*

*misses goal*

:/

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@Xalqee

My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox

@rickygervais

Suggested Thanksgiving Conversation starters: “Which God are we thanking again?”
You’re welcome 🙂

@paperphotoyo

Him: Hey
*types*
*deletes*
*types*
*deletes*
*Googles a cute reply*
*looks at Wikipedia*
*reads up on crime scenes*
*forgets to write back*

@Sanbel11

Him: Baby are you mad?

Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?

@ClichedOut

Me: Did u get a haircut

Dad’s brain:

don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it

Dad: No I got ’em all cut

@Cheles_G

Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones

@MarkAgee

STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today

@nealbrennan

I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.

@Rachelnoise

If by ‘lucky’ you mean I remember to clean the lint trap so it doesn’t self combust, then yes, I’m up all night to get lucky. . . Again.

@rad_milk

taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in