*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
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Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”