-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
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“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.