-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
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[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.