*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
You Might Also Like
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Still cracks me up
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Just a friendly reminder!
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back