*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream

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Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*


My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.


I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”


Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.

Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.


[Getting phone call from the School]

Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.

M: Did he win?

T: That’s not really relevant.

M: It is to the winner.


The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.


Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?

Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.

Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here


Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.


me: please don’t be mad

getaway driver: what’s wrong

me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go


getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”