[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
You Might Also Like
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.