*Steve Carell washes hands*
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
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Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
I hope I die alone. I mean, you’d have to be a pretty big jerk to hope others die with you.
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
there is nothing wrong with being nice, but there is something wrong with being nice to people.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”