[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
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the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man: