ME: wow your correct
ME: -ions are presumptuous
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
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I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
My wife doesn’t mind me flirting with other women. She finds the rejection quite entertaining.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….nnn…..I just love smell of campfires.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)