[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,

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I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on


My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover


mugger: gimme your wallet

me: me or her?

mugger: I don’t care

me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner


Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.

Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.


My wife doesn’t mind me flirting with other women. She finds the rejection quite entertaining.


I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….nnn…..I just love smell of campfires.


Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)