@PleaseBeGneiss
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
@GABBYdaAngSaya
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
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@PleaseBeGneiss
@0hJuliette
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
@zachreinert03
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
@Browtweaten
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
@sarcasticmommy4
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
@kevinrowe1
My wife doesn’t mind me flirting with other women. She finds the rejection quite entertaining.
@imence2
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….nnn…..I just love smell of campfires.
@JimmerThatisAll
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
@TheToddWilliams
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
@FilthyRichmond
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)