@GABBYdaAngSaya

[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,

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@Angibangie

Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!

-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.

@Gupton68

I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[stuck on side of road]

DATE: can you change a tire?

ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?

@Sarcasticsapien

I hope I die alone. I mean, you’d have to be a pretty big jerk to hope others die with you.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[getting arrested after heist]

Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout

Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this

@Try2StopME

Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”

@bananagrvyrd

If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.

@thedayofthedot

there is nothing wrong with being nice, but there is something wrong with being nice to people.

@KevinBuffalo

Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”