@Rollinintheseat
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
@GABBYdaAngSaya
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
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@Rollinintheseat
@Angibangie
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
@Gupton68
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
@PleaseBeGneiss
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
@Sarcasticsapien
I hope I die alone. I mean, you’d have to be a pretty big jerk to hope others die with you.
@PleaseBeGneiss
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
@Try2StopME
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
@bananagrvyrd
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
@thedayofthedot
there is nothing wrong with being nice, but there is something wrong with being nice to people.
@KevinBuffalo
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”