@daemonic3

[watching 13 Reasons Why]

WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die

ME: I know, crazy! Only 13

WIFE: What?

ME: What?

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@TheCatWhisprer

Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.

@dave_cactus

MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.

@daddydoubts

Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.

@LizHackett

When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.

@Shade510

I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.

@DanMentos

“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager

@Browtweaten

dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton

baa baa black sheep: uhhh

dealer: *narrows eyes*

farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made

@AndrewChamings

[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason

@CutCopyPasta

Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural

*later on date*

Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo

@lisaxy424

[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those