[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
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So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY