*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
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I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.