*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store

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Nice try “unknown” caller, but I don’t answer when my family calls so what chance did you think you had?


Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home


chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?


I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.


I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.


Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.


Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.


I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.

Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.


FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that


My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.

She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.