@QueefTornado

Watching a birth is beautiful.

Not knowing any of the parties in the delivery room & singing Salt-N-Pepa’s “Push It” will get you arrested.

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@contradiction70

I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.

@LeviathanPride

Guys at work are always like “why are your shorts so short?” Then I spin kick an inch away from their face with such precision and they know

@RobDenBleyker

Video games don’t cause violence, they PREVENT it. Whenever I see a turtle now, I chuck it off the nearest cliff where it can’t hurt anyone.

@HereComesCunty

My kid wants to be a surgeon, caught her practicing on mummy. I was a bit concerned when she finished the operation and said “and now we’ll cut off another toe, for fun!” but they’ll work that out at medical school right?

@NicCageMatch

Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.

@OMGSoOverIt

He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.

@Jaybberwocky

Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.

@panmidwest

i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it

@KalvinMacleod

WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies

@shutupmikeginn

An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:

1) I don’t have a car