Watching a birth is beautiful.

Not knowing any of the parties in the delivery room & singing Salt-N-Pepa’s “Push It” will get you arrested.

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I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.


Guys at work are always like “why are your shorts so short?” Then I spin kick an inch away from their face with such precision and they know


Video games don’t cause violence, they PREVENT it. Whenever I see a turtle now, I chuck it off the nearest cliff where it can’t hurt anyone.


My kid wants to be a surgeon, caught her practicing on mummy. I was a bit concerned when she finished the operation and said “and now we’ll cut off another toe, for fun!” but they’ll work that out at medical school right?


Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.


He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.


Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.


i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it


WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies


An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:

1) I don’t have a car