@QueefTornado

Watching a birth is beautiful.

Not knowing any of the parties in the delivery room & singing Salt-N-Pepa’s “Push It” will get you arrested.

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@truegritrumble

WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*

@GoodZiIIa

me: so what do you do?

date: I work with animals

me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun

@WindPushedGrass

‘Is this spicy?’

‘Is this spicy?’

‘Is this spicy?’

‘Is this spicy?’

‘Is this spicy?’

‘Is this spicy?’

– White people at Indian Buffets

@Cheeseboy22

Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.

@GrimReaperInc

The lord spoke and said “let there be light” and there was light.

Lucifer spoke and said “let there be darkness” and there was darkness.

Death spoke and said “let there be soft mood lighting with a slow jam playing” and Death got laid.

@CornOnTheGoblin

me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense

@lejessica

I like to have a glass of water around to make sure there aren’t any dinosaurs approaching.

@DurtMcHurtt

[job interview]

What are your strengths?

Me: inventing special occasions.

Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*