I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
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If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them