Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
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I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
6: are snakes just neck?
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*