@causticbob
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
@Rollinintheseat
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
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@causticbob
@PickleRudd
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
@Tups13
Why is it called a broken pelvis and not a hipwreck?
@ZachWeiner
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
@Marlebean
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
@Rollinintheseat
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
@kaz474
Sitting out in my front yard pointing a hair dryer at speeding cars to see if any slow down.
@PetrickSara
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
@TheToddWilliams
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude