@Rollinintheseat

*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*

*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*

Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*

“Okay.”

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@causticbob

I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”

I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”

@PickleRudd

Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you

Husband: well you’re here with me

Me: oh yeah

Husband: and we’re at a funeral

@Tups13

Why is it called a broken pelvis and not a hipwreck?

@ZachWeiner

“How do you speak with an American accent?”

“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”

@Marlebean

Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.

@kaz474

Sitting out in my front yard pointing a hair dryer at speeding cars to see if any slow down.

@PetrickSara

My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.

@TheToddWilliams

[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude