*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*

*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*

Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*


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I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”

I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”


Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you

Husband: well you’re here with me

Me: oh yeah

Husband: and we’re at a funeral


Why is it called a broken pelvis and not a hipwreck?


“How do you speak with an American accent?”

“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”


Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.


Sitting out in my front yard pointing a hair dryer at speeding cars to see if any slow down.


My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.


[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude