*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
Watching a cooking show and the host said you can use leftover beer to make battered chicken wings. What the hell is leftover beer?
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Being a New York Jets fan is like watching Titanic every Sunday and cheering for the boat.
[chicken buying a car]
Salesman: Hop on in! You’re gonna love these bucket seats.
Chicken: OH GOD
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait