Watching a cooking show and the host said you can use leftover beer to make battered chicken wings. What the hell is leftover beer?

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*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*


Being a New York Jets fan is like watching Titanic every Sunday and cheering for the boat.


[chicken buying a car]
Salesman: Hop on in! You’re gonna love these bucket seats.
Chicken: OH GOD


Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.


Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?

Date: actually, I love graveyards

Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?


If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.


WORM 911: what’s ur emergency


WORM 911: u need medical help?

FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.


she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza


simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait