Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
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A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age