{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
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Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem