Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
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An owl showing some catlike behavior.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
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