Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
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One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*