Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
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Baking is just science you can eat.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house