[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
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Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
The Backseat Boys
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.