A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
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A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
*intercom comes on* “Would the owner of a white Jetta with headlight eyelashes please report to the front desk so u can be shot in the face”
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
Exclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
Cell phones are like babies now … except, nobody leaves their phone with a stranger while they go off to work.
My son’s taking French and my daughter is learning sign language and now I have no idea what anyone’s talking about anymore.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.