[Watching Alien: Resurrection]

*Alien dies*

Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.

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A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.


A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.

Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.


*intercom comes on* “Would the owner of a white Jetta with headlight eyelashes please report to the front desk so u can be shot in the face”


I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.


The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.


Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”

-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no variety

Exclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”

-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you


If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.


Cell phones are like babies now … except, nobody leaves their phone with a stranger while they go off to work.


My son’s taking French and my daughter is learning sign language and now I have no idea what anyone’s talking about anymore.


Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.