[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
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Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
greetings!
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff