[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
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ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either