[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
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doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.