@HomeWithPeanut

[Watching an educational show]

[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]

Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.

[5 minutes later]

3: Why doesn’t he hop?

Me: ??????

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@MrFjayy

Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–

@krisv_723

Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.

@tnylgn

If you’re wearing khaki above the waist I’m going to assume you know everything about every animal.

@3sunzzz

Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.

@sarcasticmommy4

I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.

@_Aynne_

My favorite thing to say when a man offers me a drink is, “Of course I’ll have another…I AM drinking for two, after all!”

@Tmoney68

Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.

@DanMentos

A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide