[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
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but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.