*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
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There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
😅😅😅
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
🤣🤣🤣
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Europe. Made in Germany.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
That’s no pocket rocket.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t