Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
You Might Also Like
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: what shall we worship?
EGYPTIAN KING: cats
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
*orders delivery*
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..