@PhuckinCody

[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse

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@ninatreemonkey

Guy: so what u up to after this?

Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley

@Briidashian

Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.

@elle91

“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography

@kashanacauley

Your serial killer name is your first name + your middle name + your last name

@Tommytoughstuff

*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.

@tastefactory

Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT

@Audenary

DAD: Think an earthquake’s coming.

MOM: Check Rocky; dogs always know.

DOG *analysing seismic data*: I anticipate magnitudes of 6 or more.

@Eightinchgoat

When I get a call from an unknown number I answer by whispering: “It’s done, but there’s blood everywhere!”

@TheMichaelRock

[first date]

me: so what do you do for a living?

her: I study foreign languages

me[trying to impress her] bone apple tea, moon cherry