[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
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My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator