[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
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If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
i was baptized in a car wash
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever