[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
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My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.