It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
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If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
🚲+physics = winner
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup