[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
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Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*