I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
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My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
God, I love Scotland
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*