[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
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A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.