@EndhooS

[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!

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@CruisinSoozan

I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!

@DocBrown21

My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her

@LittleMissZesty

Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*

Co-worker:

@HatfieldAnne

Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”

@KateWhineHall

OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!

Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.

@Ygrene

*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*

@mydmac

(At the dentist)

‘Your grinding isn’t good.’

Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.

@TheOnion

CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear