[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
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Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
A classic…
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.